What Keeps Me Awake At Night

So, in a sharp 180 degree shift of tone from our last post, let’s get serious(ish). Let’s talk about sleep…. Or, more accurately, my lack thereof.

“You’re a horrible person.”
“I know. It keeps me awake at night.”
Stiles Stilinski, Teen Wolf

Don’t worry, I don’t think I’m a horrible person but I’m sure some people do XD We all say that things keep us awake at night but in reality most people could probably find it remarkably easy to sleep tonight. I am generally not one of those people. Some of my best work has been done in the wee hours of the morning in the darkness of my room surrounded by sleepy silence. I have been awake for hours on end with days fueled by too many Red Bulls, hopes and dreams. There are plenty of things that keep me awake and it’s probably something I need to really look at but at this point my sleep schedule is the least of my concerns. Sleep is great but have you ever gotten off a plane and suffered from jetlag? Yeah, I don’t know what jetlag’s like. Granted, I can’t say that my sleep score on my smart watch has ever been excellent. As it is, I currently function best on anywhere between 4 and 6 hours sleep. Meanwhile, other people (*cough* Niamh *cough cough*) need eight or more to be a fully functional human being. So, what actually does keep me awake at night?

Vivid and Very Strange Dreams
I usually don’t dream but when I do….Oh boy. People say that eating not long before you go to bed makes you have weird dreams. That is not true for me, I just fall into a deep sleep and the weird dreams come for me. These dreams are the kind of weird that will wake you up so fast, you sit up in bed and wonder ‘What on earth did I just witness?’ The contents of my dreams includes, but is not limited to, murderous Victorian porcelain dolls, the glass ceiling of a building shattering and raining down on top of me and cheese (literally just cheese). You can take from these examples whatever kind of assumptions you wish about what my dreams may mean but, all I know is that, they are hugely weird. I actually sleep better when I don’t dream if I’m being completely honest. Most people would probably say the opposite.

A Train of Thought with a Step Counter
I overthink. Then I overthink the overthinking. Then I wonder what made me think about the first thing. Then if I didn’t think about the first thing, what would I be thinking about? But why would I think about that instead? Did I shut my window? Is it too warm? It’s too warm. I’m going to kick off a blank-It’s too cold. So, if my feet are cold, does that mean I have bad circulation? Then I try to close my eyes and slow my breathing then I start listening to my breathing which means I start actively focusing on how I breath which makes it sound weird and, if it sounds weird, does that mean there’s a problem? When your mind is running like an athlete training for a marathon with a step goal to meet constantly and doesn’t want to shut down, sleep is hard. And when you don’t want to burden people with trivial things while they’re dealing with their own problems, the thinking can get very loud and very repetitive and very annoying. And when you’re annoyed, you’re definitely not getting any sleep.

Buzzin’ cause I’m Fly Like a Bee
Have you ever sat in bed and felt the energy in your body practically vibrating through your system? No? Just me? It constantly happens. I lie in bed on the nights before work wide awake, staring at the ceiling and waiting for sleep to arrive. It just takes its time….a long time. I’ve tried everything: classical music and regular music as background noise on low, white noise, ASMR (that was a big no, I do not like it at all), eyemasks to block out light, ear plugs to block out noise, night time routines, stuff that smelled like lavender and chamomile (that just gave me a headache). None of it works. On nights when I’m not working, I could see 4am without flinching while I focus on writing, watching a movie or making something then sleep til 9am and carry on with my day. If I have something to occupy my mind, sleep is getting in my way. I have thoughts to get down, things to make so let me finish them and THEN I’ll sleep. Thanks but no.

Now We’re Stressed Out
It is that simple. I carry a lot of stress from work and my life in general and it shows in my sleep pattern and how I sleep. I have woken up on more than one occasion with my jaw tightly clenched. I have also had dreams about work as well which just stresses me out more. So it just keeps going ‘round and around in a vicious little circle. Isn’t that nice?

The worst part is that what I’ve mentioned here is just scratching the surface. People say sleep is for the weak. That must mean that people with insomnia are stronger than steel, I wish that was true for me but it’s not. I’m not saying I have insomnia. Lord knows I don’t need another thing to add to my list of problems but it wouldn’t surprise me. But, in all seriousness, if you are having trouble sleeping or constantly feel exhausted, go see a professional. They know more than you! So until the next post…Sweet dreams, I guess….?